I had saved two years’ worth of sappy and romantic text messages in my phone. When it ended, I couldn’t delete them; I wouldn’t. For a while, I read through them everyday to bolster my hope that things may someday return to how they had been, but even once I stopped wanting that, I couldn’t delete them. They still meant something, still had weight. And maybe even more than that, they were a physical record that someone had loved me, that someone had wanted to marry me and grow old with me. Maybe that was what I couldn’t let go of more so than the person who expressed these things. But eventually those words came to mean nothing to me as well. I had planned to take a weekend afternoon to go through each text and really feel the weight of the words, remember the contexts they were said in, and then say to myself “It’s over now, and that’s okay” before deleting them one by one; I wanted it to be ceremonious, because it felt significant. But today, as I was standing in line for lunch at Chipotle, I opened my inbox and started deleting. There was no reason to wait; there was no reason to hold onto that heaviness for one moment longer. I didn’t need to read through each one because they were already committed to memory , for better or worse. I thought I would feel triumphant, like I had accomplished something really profound, but in the end, all I did was free up space in my inbox. And that was okay. I suppose I felt a little lighter, like brushing the weight of my hair from my shoulders, but I realized that there just wasn’t that much weight that needed to be lifted in the first place.
Hi, My Name Is Kendall.
My Loves:My Canon AE-1 film camera.
Used book stores.
Cherry limeades from Sonic.
Listening:Bat For Lashes, The Haunted Man
The xx, Coexist
Usher, Looking 4 Myself
Reading:Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex
Watching:Dexter, Season 7
How I Met Your Mother, Season 8
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24 Before 251. Take the GRE
Read every Harry Potter book
3. Rendezvous with my parents in Scotland
4. Write a good short story
5. Go to the ballet
6. Blog re-design
Go to the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin
8. Start running again
Get published on Thought Catalog
10. Learn Italian
Take a train journey
Swim in the Blue Lagoon in Reykjavik
Get a tattoo
Hike Mt. Si
15. Buy a piece of clothing in Italy
16. Classic movie marathon
See a concert somewhere in Europe
18. Croatian vacation
19. Write one poem a day for one month
20. Sew a dress
21. Drive a car in the U.K.
22. Visit Stockholm while it’s snowing
Learn how to French braid
24. Make music