Words Are Futile Devices.

Current subject of fascination: the different ways in which people respond to the dissolution of a relationship.

There are some that feel sorry for me. There are some that think I’m better off.

There are some who attempt to offer comforting words. There are some who don’t know what to say.

There are some who shed sympathetic tears for me. There are some who wordlessly offer me beer.

There are some who are hopeful that we will get back together. There are some who want me to move on, finally.

There are some who try to understand his reasons, who say that he just needs time to mature. There are some who call him a dumb shit and ask if they need to kick his ass, and those are their exact words.

There are some who let me tell them what happened and talk about my feelings. There are some who change the subject, or avoid the subject all together.

There are some who say that God has someone better for me. There are some who don’t want me to give up hope.

Taking inventory of all these diverse reactions has been really fascinating, and isolating at the same time. Fascinating because I’ve gotten nearly every response possible, and I think I know how a certain person will react and then they totally subvert my expectations, but not always in a negative way. And isolating for the same reasons, especially when it’s negative. The ones I expected to be the most sympathetic and hopeful haven’t been, and the ones that I thought wouldn’t care have been overwhelmingly empathetic and have gone out of their way to be there for me.

There have been emotional and unemotional responses in equal proportion, which makes me incredibly emotional. I’m to the point now where I just pray that no one brings him up or asks about him so that I don’t have to go through the motions of being “the girl who got dumped,” who couldn’t save her relationship, and have to be on the receiving end of the requisite phrases that people say and pretend that they mean something to me.

“You’re better off without him.” “He’s a fool.” “You’ll find someone else, someone better.” “Just give it time, you’ll get over it.”

These are words that I’ve said, so many times, to girls who have been jilted by their boyfriends, but now that I’m in the reverse role, I realize that there is nothing that rings true in these words. Though said with the best of intentions, they’re hollow, just filler. I don’t think anyone but me is in a position to assert such things, or to say anything negative about him and the decision he made, and it makes me feel like the nearly two years I spent with him are being minimized to something superficial, something without depth or emotion or love. Which is about as far from the truth as you can get.

Sometimes it’s hard to share your pain with other people because, though they may try, they could never possibly understand the multi-faceted nature of it. No one knows all that I know about him, or what I felt or what I experienced, so no one can know what it means to have all of that ripped away. It makes me want to coddle this nightmare I’m experiencing, to hide it and keep it out of the light so that no one can see it, so that I can keep it to myself where it’s safer, because it is only mine and I know how to take care of it.

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