text awards 08.

my favorite texts i’ve received in the past year. funny, tender… creepy? there’s a little something for everyone. most of them are inside jokes or taken out of context, but hopefully there’s still some humor and/or value for you in these random tidbits.

+ “hmm… pot brownies? i accept. normal brownies? just as good.”
+ “hey do you want to go to coffeeland later tonight? you know, pine and analyze poetry and talk about the twenties.”
+ “got you a hamby.”
+ “i have that stupid racist dragon song stuck in my head! arg!”
+ “i just walked into my room and ashley was sitting naked at her computer! ahh! my eyes!”
+ “mmm. sucking some balls again today. blueberry. they are pie balls.”
+ “i just had a very engaging conversation with a transient about dostoevsky.”
+ “three marriage proposals? i want a side of elaboration with that dish.”
+ “m. ward is pretty much giving me a blow j.”
+ “ur welcome to come out any time! there should be parties all weekend! my roomies might throw a ‘oh shit it’s a hurricane’ party.”
+ “well someone told me the best way to get over someone was to get under someone… so i did. twice.”
+ “i just got towed and i yelled ‘fuck shoes’ and no one understood. i also said ‘balls in my mouth.’”
+ “thanks to you i’ve been singing street jizz all afternoon.”
+ “nooo poor sad baby kendall. i hug when i see.”
+ “i cried for like ten minutes and then got drunk.”
+ “ohhh wait til you watch the hills. one word –clandestine.” (my favorite text i have ever received from my mother)
+ “oh no kendall, your best friend and the love o yo life are dating and you just found out your dad is missing on the high seas!”
+ “um this guy who was outside smoking asked me for my number and i definitely don’t even remember what his name is. he is smoking guy in my contact list.”
+ “i’m sending you a mental hug right now.”
+ “omg i hate the gyno… all these old women are staring at me and i’m like STOP LOOKING AT ME! THIS IS NOT ABNORMAL!”
+ “i don’t know if coffee will work. i had a freak neck accident in my sleep and have an appointment at Swedish in a while. if they can fix me up, we’re still on.”
+ “hey. tonight you and jennie and i guess whoever like other roommates and shit… dress to impress.”
+ “my bed smells like you.”
+ “screw hw. you should be drinking wine.”
+ “would you be uncomfortable watching a movie in my bed? it’s not a ploy, just jake is playing video games.”
+ “wanna come over and watch office and entourage tonight? with the bros.”
+ “you coming tonight??? i want a halloween bop.”
+ “kendall, i am eating a hot dog wrapped in a pretzel right now. i have never seen anything more horrifying in my life, but it tastes AMAZING.”
+ “i did not have my thigh caressed for an hour for nothing! i NEED some lovin!”
+ “i was thinking we should have a breakfast for dinner party friday. white chocolate chip blueberry buttermilk pancakes? eggs? bacon? glory? yes.”
+ “you mean you wish you could be bopped right now. if only you had the energy and strength.”
+ “i just want to share my bed with you.”
+ “wendall, our state is covered in snow. i personally have about 7 in. everything is closed and no one can get anywhere! and people who tried became bumpercars…”
+ “my fam has no idea how to act around non-white people.”

bekah gets her own separate subsection of excellent texts, because hers are always the ones i save simply because they are so hilarious.

+ “hey i got a new phone who is this young specimen”
+ “kendallistophenes! that would be your name if you lived in ancient greece.”
+ “totes forevs. which means totally. forever.”
+ “kendall friendall! yes i’m running up to safeway for wine and hummus – there will probs be humans coming in about 15 minutes.”
+ “kendall! critical mass tonite at 5:30! 200 person bike ride! alex park! love! sex! marriage!”
+ “hey hey! ah! sorry you guys got lost.com to the fourth power last nite. i just got back from a serious trek through the cascades all day so i think i am hittin the sack. but we have infinite number of minutes to hang ten in this lifetime and for that i am well pleased.”
+ “greetings! tonite: my radio show. 9 pm. kspu.org – seattle slam poet greg brisendine live in studio. tune in or be chased by a street evangelist stampede!”
+ “we have gone to war with clutter today—and won. twas a magical Saturday.”
+ “put the wind back in your windpipes! listen to dj con queso at 9pm tonite on kspu.org—interview with of montreal! & learn how to lose that pesky head lice!”
+ “be my date to seattle’s most important event—the english dept christmas party tomorrow?
+ “we had some technologic troubles, but me and my sisters wish you a merry birthday!! 21 21 21! deck the malls! wooo!”


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